2017 Journal Entries
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Living in the days. Being close to you. Traveling non-logical pathways.
​Having non-ordinary experiences. Feeling all the Love is.

Dream 17-01
Early morning before awakening I had a vivid dream about an environment and narrative – nothing seemingly relevant. I was riding a bicycle back home in a rather barren country though home was a lush, treed place. But was returning around a cliff on a one car wide dirt road. Sheer cliff upward on the right, sheer cliff on the left straight down maybe 1000 feet. The bicycle slid out unexpectedly and I launched out off the cliff on the left. First thoughts were, no this can't be happening. Remember falling head down, looked over to my left and saw the sheer cliff wall 20 or 30 feet away. Falling – next thoughts were, oh God, this is it, this is it! Then nothing, then I woke up from this dream within a dream. I was no longer in the fall or even in the same narrative. In this next level up in the dream I calmly thought, oh well, it was only a dream. No problem.
After a short while I awoke to this reality. Really awake! My first thoughts were, is this what death and the afterlife is like? Tragedy, death and then snap to an "overlife" where you say "it was only a dream. Now what's for breakfast?" Perhaps the eternal realities meditations are already starting to have an influence. The first one I did I stayed awake and focused during almost all of the 58 minutes. I seem to have drifted off or fell asleep about the time I was directed to expand my consciousness to fill the room and beyond. Hmmm!

In Meditation 17-02
Third eye meditation. The blue violet seems to come easier and easier. Sustaining it is easier when I can stay focused and let go of trying to control it. Just "invite" it to happen. When the mind wanders and falls into narrative I loose the blue violet color. Now I must continue practicing to expand the color field and connect it with... what? Visual insight? For now, maintain focus, sustain the violet, and open feelings to intuitive connection. It's there – it feels just barely beyond my reach. 

In Meditation 17-03
Called forth Serena to ask for guidance. What should I do about the book that I have been thinking about for so long? She places her hand on my heart and I feel her say/think to write from here. I think I have been. She offers that I am close but not there yet. The first book was about our relationship to our personal obstacles. The second about our relationship to the world village. And the third about relationship to each other. This one is about relationship to All That Is, speaking only from the heart – no science, no intellect, only empathic and intuitive. Empathic being about connection and intuitive about our perceptions. Maybe more than that but not sure. Maybe also self forgiveness and service to others. She offers that I go where I was afraid to go before, dreams and meditations that are as real as reality!

Dream 17-04
I have had an interesting pair of dreams in the last couple of weeks. The first one involved a dream where I "awoke" in my bed. And I awoke into another dream and realized that is what had happened. As I realized that, I awoke in my "real" bed. Truly bizarre. 
The second dream involved my being in some conference or meeting as a participant. I was sitting in the gallery. All men, all nice people. And something interesting was going on and someone asked if anyone had a video camera to record what was happening. I said yes, I think I have my Canon video camera in my bag. I started recording. Now I started by using the large fold out screen on the camera. But I remembered that I had a view finder. I switched to using that. As soon as I did I was embedded in what was going on, part of the scene, from dissociated to associated and forgot that it was I who was recording the scene. At some point that activity stopped, the video stopped and I was back in the gallery. But then as I walked around the conference I realized that part of my role there was to paint murals or at least large canvases. The surprise was that I was painting inspired and interpreted replicas of Navajo/Hopi blankets/rugs. I did several, pleased with what I had done, not knowing where the inspiration was coming from. 
The longer you reside in a certain level of dream, the more it seems "normal". When you "rise" one level the the lower level was "obviously" a dream.

In Meditation 17-05
A one hour long directed meditation. I was able to mostly maintain focus on the question for the entire hour. I followed the guiding voice the entire time. Brought myself back on focus the few times I drifted into narrative. My question was "what is my home?" in a spiritual sense. I left it open trying not to "fill" in the blank myself. Just let come what comes. 
A single sentence that sums the experience up: Express pure compassion to every soul you encounter – person, animal, plants, and earth. Walk with this. 
I felt its purity. It felt clear, pure, easy, natural. The most natural response to the world, all the time, in every way. In doing so, I felt more connected with All That Is. Releasing judgement, attachment, controlling – and embracing love, gratitude and acceptance.
This brings a blissful state of self assurance. Peace be with you, love to all. Always have a choice of how to respond. 
Choose wisely!

Reflection 17-06
The choice is how does one respond? When the situation is not directed at you personally, you can take a deep breath and consider your response with thought and decisiveness. But when the situation involves what someone thinks of you or it is the person who is involved in a close relationship with you, then words aimed towards you hurt. It makes you doubt their feelings for you. Or it makes you realize that they have little or no control over how they can or want to respond to the situation. This creates sadness, worry and concern. Then how you choose to respond becomes a very difficult decision. You become stuck at this point.
My choice becomes to delay my response and look at how I really feel about it all. Love and caring, conflicted and hurt, isolated… The question becomes how to return to the interaction, the dialog with a positive, supporting response that lifts both of us. Delivered with compassion, understanding and simplicity.

Reflection 17-06
Sharing the feelings and being moved by them is empathy and connection.
Messages are coming to me to share my joy. To share their pain. I am strong, give me your pain, your load. Make space for you to breathe, hold onto my hands and give me your pain. Just for a while, in this moment. I can release the pain. Look at me. I understand and am here for you.
The sun is shining and nature is indifferent to your pain – you can be too! Talk it out, write it out, and get it out.
But in this moment while it is overwhelming, give me some of it, share it and you will heal and be better. 

Reflection 17-07
How is a feeling different than an emotion at the most fundamental level? A feeling comes from your body, not your mind, and brings you to tears, unreasonable tears. Tears of joy, sorrow, pain or loss of connection. Tears of visceral compassion about the suffering of another. It’s a feeling that seems to come from nowhere, not from thought, not from emotion. This is my gateway, at long last. It came to me while driving one day after I started crying listening to a tragedy report. It was not the tragedy that brought the tears. It was the rescuers sharing what they were going through while trying to save people. It was their sharing of their experience in being of aid to the survivors. The compassion of one to another. The tears came. 

Dream 17-08
I had a dream last night that sent me through a process that resulted in new revelations about my truth. The big take away was about my choices and responses early in life based on the “me” and the family I was born into. All relationships are based on the giving or taking of energy with another. We seek people who share with you. It makes you feel better, stronger, trusting and at home. 
But there are those who manipulate, interrogate and intimidate to suck energy from you, leaving you weak, untrusting and dependent on them. My mother was an intimidator and interrogator. I believe that in her heart she was trying to teach me strength, toughness and self sufficiency. She was well intentioned but still pulling energy from me instead of growing it in me. As a child and a young man, all I wanted was love, caring, and someone that shares and grows my energy, allowing me to love in return.
I have now discovered my response was “poor me” and a “withdrawal” from the interaction to unconsciously avoid the loss of energy. It felt that most others were unknowingly draining away your positive energy. Then I realized that it was repeating in this life. In a previous regression as a Indian shaman I was withdrawn and separate from the tribe. I was available to them if needed but happy to live alone, but also happy to know they were just a half day walk up the canyon. It was comfortable to know they were nearby without the daily energy interactions. This describes my current life accurately. 
Since I did not know how to act with interrogators, intimidators, and controllers I withdrew from the playing field. Gratefully this response has relaxed over the years as I have had more positive experiences and finding people interactions can be good and positive. I have found that in all situations with either positive or negative people that if I continue to give positive, caring words and energy, the situation changes. I consciously flow energy into the positive people, showing care and empathy. And with the negative folks, I control my own energy and offer energy in the form of positive words to present an example in contrast. 
So the dream last night was grueling work. I woke up at 2 AM and it continued while I was half awake. I was constantly seeing events where I withdrew, afraid of losing myself, my energy, my friendships, my marriages, all. And I saw the situations of withdrawal and for once felt what that was like for myself and for others. I kept on experiencing these life flashes. I asked for them to stop. I just wanted quiet sleep. Then the thought came to me that I needed to resolve this withdrawal way of responding to the world. I realized that when I have that sense of withdrawal, I should acknowledge that I am aware of it and counter it with engagement into the work in some way. Engagement in a positive and giving way. Become grounded, humble and caring. 
I had to write all this down as dreams fade shortly after awaking. This is too important to lose. All this discovery has laid the groundwork for my growing sense of intuition, my relaxing into empathy, my seeing synchronicity – all of which are growing stronger and stronger. And all of which cannot grow without engagement, compassion and caring. 

Meditation 17-09
Performed a guided meditation for 50 minutes and was able to stay focused the entire time. It was a deep, deep relaxation trance loosing the sense of the body. I was guided to test separation from the body and float above it. I think I got there, not sure. Then I was to imagine a white light coming through a hole in the ceiling, then move toward that light. I knew where my body was but sensed I was surrounded and in the white light. Then I moved through various transitions which are had to describe. I asked Serena to guide me as to what was happening. She appeared as a white veiled figure. 
Suddenly we were in a garden sitting on a stone bench, sitting side by side. The garden was all very soft white with almost no color. I was not sure what was happening, but focused on staying with it. I asked for her to put a reassuring arm around me as she guided me. I felt the hand and arm around my shoulder with her sitting beside me. I felt her become me and then he/she/he/she… We were both but neither. 
I felt her rotate to the front of me and hold my shoulders with both hands. Then we started to rise up into a vast whiteness, sort of like clouds but not really. They were a lumpy whiteness. And I was aware of souls, millions, trillions and more in groups of loving learning and creating. They were joyous, expansive and they were filling the universe and were everywhere you could see. I felt comfortable, relaxed and accepting. This lasted for a while. 
Moments before the directing voice in the guided meditation said to relax out of wherever you are and come back towards your body. I began to return. As I did I found that my hands had gradually and unknowingly risen from my lap while I was reclined in my chair. My left hand was 12 inches above my lap and my right hand had risen about 4 inches. They were just comfortably holding in that position, hands slightly cupped, facing each other. As I returned to my body, they gently lowered to my lap. 
I had asked Serena to show me the other side of the veil and she did. All movement was instantaneous with no sense of movement. When I was back in the chair, I didn’t know what to make of it all. I was unsure whether to record it or not. I just sat there. Then it occurred to me that I was conscious and focused for the entire 50 minutes. That does not always happen. This must be important so I wrote it down. It came flooding out so fast that I could barely read my own handwriting.